Hi, 911, an Animated Movie About a Boy Named Zucchini Made Me Feel Too Much

Alright alright alright. Back again with the movies. In case you were worried about my well-being, yes, I am going out to see the sunshine. Yes, I am socializing. I sadly could not become a hermit to accomplish this task. If I could somehow finagle it so I don’t have to socialize and don’t have to work and don’t have to see the sunshine and just watch movies all day, I would. Alas, I cannot.

My mom called me today and said I should write more on this blog again like I used to. She said my posts were getting too long. Oops.

On February 7th I watched Princess Cyd. I’ve been waiting for this movie to become available for a very long time. I think it did a little bit of the festival circuit and was generally well-received. Plus, it’s gay so it’s basically a given that I’d eventually watch it. The movie is about Cyd, who spends a few weeks over the summer with her aunt who’s a famous author. Cyd’s mom and brother died when she was young and she and her dad don’t get along. They decide to let Cyd stay with her aunt for a couple weeks because she’s contemplating college in Chicago. I thought it was okay. A solid three outta five.

The main downfall to this movie is that I feel as though the writer/director had a very good idea, but he just didn’t know how to execute it. A lot of movies and pop culture feel like in order for their movie to be interesting, Something Big has to happen. On the flip side, lots of smaller-budget indies don’t feel like anything needs to happen for a movie to be interesting. There’s a difference between having something happen for the sake of having something happen and having everything stay stagnant.

Does that make sense or did I just say “happen” eight hundred times for no reason?
When it comes to Princess Cyd, it seems like certain events occurred not for any added meaning to the story, but because the filmmakers got worried that not enough was going on. Not to bring everything back to Lady Bird, but I’m going to bring everything back to Lady Bird. One of the things Greta does exceptionally well is recognize that the movie doesn’t have to be hinged on a big dramatic moment, that life itself is honest enough to keep our attention. I wish Princess Cyd had let Cyd’s life speak for itself a little more.

The next movie I watched was My Life as a Zucchini, which was nominated for an Oscar a couple years ago. I was not expecting a movie about weird, misshapen, clay children to make me feel that much and YET.

The movie’s about a boy named Zucchini who lives with his mother who drinks too much. Due to circumstances that I won’t spoil for you, he ends up being taken to an orphanage with other kids whose parents are no longer part of their lives. Listen, this movie is great and I cried and I have zero complaints. What a MOVIE.

I also watched one of Netflix’s original movies, When We First Met. I don’t know why. I usually watch trash like this for cute actresses, but I didn’t know any of the actresses going in. Honestly, I clicked on it because it was the banner on Netflix and it looked mindless, and mindless garbage was exactly what I needed.

The movie is about Noah, who met a girl named Avery at a Halloween party three years ago. He’s dressed as Wayne and she’s a Rockford Peach. They have the most perfect night, but it ends with a hug and Noah bemoans the fact that he’s now in the friend zone. Fast forward to three years later and Avery is marrying Ethan. Noah gets very drunk at their party before stumbling to the jazz bar he works at and collapsing into the photo booth. Coincidentally, it’s the same photo booth from that fateful first night with Avery. Magic things happen and suddenly it’s three years ago on the morning of the party where he meets Avery. It’s pretty much Groundhog Day: The Rom-Com from there on out.

As the movie progresses, he learns that the Rockford Peach Halloween costume was Carrie, who is Avery’s roommate. Carrie is the reason Avery knew jazz, and he learns that all the things he liked about Avery actually were from Carrie. Here’s the thing. I’m all for the trope of realizing you’ve been in love with someone else the whole time, but it has to be earned. In the real timeline, he spent no time with Carrie. How is he best friends with Avery and yet never really spoke to Avery’s roommate and best friend? That just seems like a damn lie. I’m willing to suspend my disbelief for a time-traveling photo booth, but if you expect me to believe that Noah wouldn’t know Avery’s roommate even though they’ve been friends for three years, you’re a FOOL.

I guess one of the things I have to applaud this movie for is that they kinda say that the friend zone is a lie. Half-heartedly, at least. Noah spends the majority of the movie believing he’s the one who deserves to be with Avery and he keeps fucking with time because he thinks this is the outcome that’s right. Never mind the fact that Avery ends up meeting and marrying my boy Robbie Amell, who’s just the best dude. It takes the whole damn movie to realize that maybe they’re just supposed to be friends. As though the concept of friends is wildly new to him.

Everything Before Us was next. It’s one of those movies with a very interesting premise that would’ve been a really great movie if the script and lead actors were better. The movie takes place in the distant future where you have to register your relationships with the Department of Emotional Intelligence. Based on how the relationship goes, your score either decreases or increases. Like, if you cheat on somebody, your score plummets. If you want to break up, you have to go to the DEI, which looks as miserable as the DMV, and file a report. A non-biased third party will decide how much of the blame for the termination belongs to you. It’s basically that Black Mirror with Bryce Dallas Howard, but with an almost entirely Asian cast so that was pretty cool to see.

It was a fine movie. Not one I’ll rave about, but not one that felt tedious to watch like When We First Met. As far as movies with companies looking after love lives, I think Timer is a much better option.

I watched The Circle exclusively for Emma Watson. How a movie with John Boyega, Emma Watson, Tom Hanks, Karen Gillan could be so profoundly terrible is a genuine mystery that will haunt me until the day I die. Also, I don’t think I’d seen Karen Gillan in a movie before and now I’ve seen her in two movies in two weeks. Am I a Karen Gillan fan now?

But like, what was The Circle actually trying to say? Were they supportive or transparent or is technology bad? Why did Emma Watson have five computer screens in front of her at one point in time? Also, logistically, that whole total transparency didn’t make sense. It turned off for three minutes for her to go to the bathroom and that was seemingly the only time. So was Emma Watson just wildly broadcasting herself naked when she showered/changed clothes?? Anyway, this movie was as bad as everyone said it was.

The next movie I watched for this round-up was The Way He Looks and ohmygod it’s the cute, heart-warming LGBT movie I’ve been looking for.

It’s about a blind boy named Leo who has an overprotective mother and desperately wants to feel like he has every opportunity to live his own life. A new boy comes to school and they become fast friends. In the beginning of the movie, Leo’s friend Gi bemoans the fact that they don’t have grand adventures and romantic loves. Well, I’m not gonna spoil things for you, but by the end of the movie, Leo might have some adventures and some grand love.

Last movie was Maze Runner: The Death Cure. Listen, I’m not even sure I knew what was going on at any point in the movie. I saw the other two movies when they were in theatres, and I remember the first one was pretty good for a dystopian teen flick. However, I still don’t even know why they were running in the maze to begin with. I just read all three Wikipedia articles for the movies and there’s still no good reason why they had to run in a maze.

About midway through this movie it dawned on me that we’re probably never going to get the final movie in the Divergent franchise and it’s wild to me that we’ve all just let that slip from our minds. Like how badly did the second and third movies do that they didn’t feel it warranted an ending? I mean, did Maze Runner really do that much better? At least Divergent made sense.

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Lady Bird and the Idea of Something

So I’m going to try to do at least an update every seven or so days. I’m not sure anyone at all is invested in my quest to watch a movie a day for a year, but on the off chance someone is, I got ya covered. At the very least, maybe you’ll get a movie recommendation out of this.

I started off the month with Sadie’s Last Days on Earth. This was a tiny little Canadian indie film that I eventually found out was directed by the dude who used to be in the Canadian TV show Life With Derek. The Canadian film/TV industry is actually quite tiny it seems. Anyway, since I’m sure this movie is on none of your radars, I’ll give you a brief rundown.

Sadie has always struggled with anxiety and a school project about natural disasters kicks her worry up a level. She becomes fully convinced that the end of the world is coming and goes into disaster prepping mode. She converts her bedroom into a bunker and takes precautions to make sure that when the earth ends (when, not if), she’ll be ready. She only leaves her bunker for school and even then, she only shows up as long as she needs to be there.

Since the world is ending, she decides to make a bucket list of things she wants to do before she’s one of the last survivors. The movie becomes an endearing adventure of Sadie trying to overcome her anxiety to let herself become a part of the world for however long it’s got left. At the end of the day, high school kinda feels like the end of the world, too.

February 2nd was Atonement. I hadn’t seen this movie since I was a teenager when I probably, unknowingly, had a crush on Kiera Knightley after Pride and Prejudice and Pirates of the Caribbean. I don’t think I knew what was going on in the movie at ALL back then. If you haven’t seen it, the movie’s on Netflix and it is GOOD. Li’l baby Saoirse Ronan (talk about never finding your name on a keychain) is in it and Kiera Knightley was born to be in period pieces.

The movie also has one of the most spectacular single shots I have ever seen. All last year, I talked about how great some of La La Land‘s long takes were, but how FOOLISH I was back then. Honestly, Atonement‘s sweeping five-minute single take of the beach at Dunkirk is better than any moment in Christopher Nolan’s Dunkirk. There. I said it. I don’t get what all the hype surrounding Dunkirk is when Atonement already went and made that masterpiece.

February 3rd was I Don’t Feel at Home in This World Anymore. Did they get this title from a list of rejected Fall Out Boy song names because good lord is it long. As for the movie itself, I still don’t really know how I feel about it. The story is a bit odd and the ending took a massive left turn and I think I was okay with it? This is one of those movies that I watched and I’m not really sure how I felt about it. Like it didn’t really make me feel anything.

Also, when did Elijah Wood start doing these bizarre bit parts?? Like good for him, I guess. Fun fact about Elijah Wood. One time I talked to him about firewood. Gotta love Los Angeles.

February 4th was The Cloverfield Paradox. I don’t get why everyone’s all upset about this movie. Like was it the best movie I’ve ever seen? No. Was it a fun, suspenseful movie in space starring the light of my life, Gugu Mbatha-Raw? Yes. I thought it was a good time for what it is and maybe that’s because I don’t watch too many sci-fi monster movies. I’ve heard a lot of comparisons between this and Life and maybe if I’d seen Life, I would’ve been let down.

I’ll be honest, despite having seen both The Cloverfield Paradox and 10 Cloverfield Lane, I haven’t actually seen Cloverfield. I could care less about how these stories all connect. Maybe that’s why I wasn’t being overly critical about it. I mean, I personally think everything about 10 Cloverfield Lane is phenomenal except for the part where they turn it into a monster movie. The tense drama of three strangers living in an underground bunker is much more fascinating than any monster movie in my opinion because John Goodman’s fragile masculinity is the greatest villain of all!

So, yeah, I thought it was fun. There were questions that didn’t get answered and usually that bugs me, but I guess seeing Tom Brady cry put me in a forgiving mood.

February 5th was Lady Bird. OSCAR 😭 NOMINATED 😭 DIRECTOR 😭 GRETA 😭 GERWIG. I’m so proud of her. The amount of love that went into this film is incredible. The way Greta Gerwig feels about this movie is the way every single director should feel about the movie they’re making. I’m rooting for her for Best Director mostly because of the letter she wrote to Dave Matthews.

Something struck me this viewing (viewing number five for those keeping score at home) that I don’t think really dawned on me before. Hunter Harris, an associate editor for Vulture, said this about the movie:

in the first scene, lady bird complains that she wants to live through something. it’s nice to see a movie suggest, in every scene, that being seventeen and ambitious and messy and selfish and madly desirious counts as Something

Watching this movie, not that many obvious Something moments happen. I mean, when people say they want to live through Something, they mean a grand adventure. That’s certainly what Lady Bird means when she says it in the car at the beginning of the movie. To her, nothing ever happens in Sacramento. Even her brother seeing someone get knifed in front of the public high school isn’t that life-altering. It’s more just a nuisance because it’s the reason she has to go to Immaculate Fart Heart.

However, like Harris points out, Gerwig spends the entire movie compiling important moments, and while the movie moves in a linear fashion, the style stands out because we don’t see each day. We may see today and tomorrow and then skip to next week. It’s almost like Lady Bird is looking back on these memories when she’s older, seeing now that she did live through Something.

That eating Communion wafers and talking about masturbating with your best friend is Something. That kissing a sweet boy in a cowboy outfit is Something. That losing your virginity to a lying boy is Something. That spending a Sunday morning looking at Open Houses with your mom is Something. That riding to school with your dad is Something. That sharing a Clove with your brother’s girlfriend is Something. That getting high for the first time on Thanksgiving and giggling and eating microwave dinners with your friends is Something. That being young and foolish and angry and energetic and happy and lonely and stupid and fearless is Something.

Teenage girls don’t get enough credit. They’re ridiculed for feeling too much and being loud and for liking what they like. Lady Bird is a love letter to the miraculousness of being a teenage girl and that is Something.

My parents have now seen Lady Bird and the gist of their feelings toward the movie can be summed up in one word: Sad.

On February 6th, I watched Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle and my expectations were low. Everyone kept saying this movie was very good and eventually I just had to see for myself. It was…fine. I probably laughed a total of four times and I’m shocked that Jack Black was my favorite part of it?? I do have to give the movie some credit for letting a seemingly super-vain teenage girl save the day, even if she did it as Jack Black.

I will say that I wish a couple more jokes could’ve been at the expense of the ridiculous outfit they put Karen Gillan in.

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Video games are known for the ridiculous, impractical outfits they put their female characters in, and with all the other cute video game references, I really wish they would’ve gone a little harder on the critique. I mean, they had her ask for Jack Black’s jacket because she felt like she was basically wearing a bikini and then didn’t even put it on?? She just tied it around her waist, leaving the same amount of skin exposed, so that seemed weird to me. All that being said, for a movie that had Karen Gillan wearing basically nothing for two hours, the camera never once inappropriately lingered on her.

My boy, Nick Jonas, was also in this. Nick and I are buddies because 1. I met him and the rest of the Jonas Brothers and I looked like the missing JoBro, and 2. He was my go-to celebrity crush when I wasn’t out of the closet yet. So there’s a soft spot in my heart for him. Plus, Burnin’ Up is still such a total JAM.

Keep doin’ you, buddy.

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As always, follow me on Letterboxd to get film jokes and the most up-to-date diary of my movie watching.

It’s Been a Year

So, I’ve been absolute trash at keeping up with my resolution of writing on this blog. My other resolution of watching a movie a day is going spectacularly and maybe I’ll write about the movies I’ve watched. Weekly? Monthly? We’ll see. I don’t know why I continue to create these expectations when I know full well that I probably won’t be living up to them, but I guess I just want to keep you on your toes in case I actually live up to my promise.

Remember when I used to update daily? Who even was I back then? Where did I find the time?

Speaking of movies, though, Oscar noms came out yesterday and I’ve got some OPINIONS on them. First of all, I am so happy that Greta Gerwig got nominated for Best Director and I think in my absolute excitement, I blacked out and bought a t-shirt that just says, “GRETA GERWIG.” So, real excited for that to come in the mail and to be the only shirt I wear for the duration of TIFF.

Second of all, it is a goddamn travesty that Dee Rees and the majority of Mudbound didn’t get the love they deserve.

Actually, I should probably just do an entire separate blog post about the Oscars because I’ve got a million more thoughts because it’s taking away from the real star of today’s blog; Me.

So, I wrote a book and it’s called Burn Before Reading and it’s officially been out for a year today. That’s right, my baby’s turned one. And just yesterday, I turned in the second draft of the second book. What a weird world.

I have probably mentioned this a million times before, but this is my blog and my day, so I’m going to talk about it again.

A lot of media for LGBT people centers on the coming out experience and it’s almost always sad. I mean, off the top of my head, I can really only think of sad LGBT movies. Carol, Brokeback Mountain, Milk, Philadelphia. The only happy LGBT movie that comes to mind is But I’m a Cheerleader and even that is centered on coming out.

Nothing against coming out narratives. They’re important. Especially when navigating the coming out experience for yourself. But there comes this point after you’ve gotten to a place of acceptance where you want to see yourself in a life outside of your sexuality going through the normal life troubles. You want to see yourself in every possible narrative. The same way a straight white dude gets to see himself as a doctor, firefighter, hero, villain, construction worker. Anything. Everything.

All I’ve ever wanted when it came to pop culture was a fun ’90s-style high school comedy centered on a lesbian that’s not a coming out story, but a coming of age story. That’s it. I didn’t think that’d be a lot to ask and YET.

Toni Morrison once said, “If there’s a book that you want to read, but it hasn’t been written yet, then you must write it.”

So I did. And it’s available on Amazon. It’s about being seventeen and having no idea which way’s up or down. Y’know, the normal feelings that come with being seventeen. It’s sweet and I think it’s funny, but at the end of the day, it’s about the thing in life that really matters; 80s power ballads.

Just kidding! It’s about love and friendship and all that jazz. The good stuff. The best stuff the world has to offer. Check it out if you’d like. I think you’ll like it.

Also, it’s Fiona the Hippo’s birthday today, so it really is a blessed day.

Shower Me With Praise Because I’m Moderately Successful at Keeping Up One New Year’s Resolution

So, I’ve been terrible about keeping one of my New Year’s Resolutions. The one about posting here more often. Clearly, that hasn’t been at the forefront of my life. However, I have been CRUSHING my New Year’s Resolution of watching one movie a day. Some of them have been total disasters, but some of them have been fine. A few have been outstanding. Curious as to what nonsense I’ve been watching?

Here we go:

01/01 – I, Tonya

01/02 – National Treasure

01/03 – The Beguiled

01/04 – Black Mirror: San Junipero

01/05 – Lovesong

01/06 – It Comes at Night

01/07 – The Babysitter

01/08 – Columbus

01/09 – In the Fade

01/10 – Lady Bird

01/11 – Excess Baggage

01/12 – Proud Mary

01/13 – Insidious: The Last Key

01/14 – Black Mirror: Hang the DJ

01/15 – Cinderella (1997)

01/16 – John Tucker Must Die

01/17 – Fifty Shades of Grey

01/18 – Fifty Shades Darker

01/19 – Get Out

01/20 – Beware the Slenderman

01/21 – Step Sisters

01/22 – Molly’s Game

01/23 – Phantom Thread

01/24 – The Post

01/25 – Deidra & Laney Rob a Train

01/26 – Her Story

01/27 – The Year Dolly Parton Was My Mom

01/28 – Paddington

01/29 – The Humbling

01/30 – Paddington 2

01/31 – 20th Century Women

Y’know, as I’ve been watching these movies, they didn’t seem so odd day by day, but  looking at them all together is wild. It’s such a weird collection of movies.

I also truly cannot believe that I am now part of the population of people who have seen both Fifty Shades movies. I’m sorry, Mom and Dad. Although, many months ago, on this very blog, I asked if anyone knew where the cover of Springsteen’s I’m on Fire played into the first Fifty Shades of Grey movie and I now have my answer, so I guess that’s good? Also, I truly can’t imagine what it must’ve been like to watch them in the theatre and sober. I was very drunk.

I thought it’d be interesting to kind of see the breakdown of the movies that I’ve watched in terms of female directors. I didn’t set out to watch movies with female directors, but I think after this month, I’m going to make a conscious effort to find more films done by women.

Of the thirty-one films I’ve watched, only nine were directed by women. Those nine are: The Year Dolly Parton Was My Mom, Her Story, Deidra & Laney Rob a Train, Beware the Slenderman, Fifty Shades of Grey, John Tucker Must Die, Lady Bird, Lovesong, and The Beguiled.

That’s an underwhelming 29%.

If we look at female writers, we’ve got ten. That’s only 33%. (I calculated it out of thirty because one of the movies was a documentary, so that doesn’t have a writing credit.)

However, if we look at how many of the movies have female main characters, that’s much higher. Twenty-three out of the thirty-one films had well-written female main characters. A whopping 74%. The ones I didn’t feel had strong female leads were Paddington, Paddington 2, The Humbling, The Post, Get Out, Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty Shades Darker, and It Comes at Night.

I don’t define a strong female lead as a character who is physically strong, but as the person who the majority of action revolves around and who is nuanced just like real women are. Some of these movies, like Get Out and both Paddingtons, didn’t necessarily have bad female representation, it’s just that the women weren’t the main characters. They were still multi-dimensional and well-written, but Paddington was very much about Paddington and Get Out was very much about Chris. The women simply weren’t the leads.

As far as actual bad representation, I’d say The Humbling for sure and The Post and It Comes at Night maybe. My issues with The Humbling are too numerous to include in one simple blog post. However, Greta Gerwig’s Pegeen is reduced to the odd role of Al Pacino’s love interest. Can we stop with this trend of old dudes dating young women, please??? Riley Keough is yet again relegated to a minimal love interest role with minimal importance in It Comes at Night. Somebody put her in a good movie, for the love of god.

Somehow, I ended up rooting for Christian Grey in the second Fifty Shades movie, so I don’t even know what’s going on anymore. I wasn’t alone. The friend I watched it with was also pro-Christian Grey. We’re both still very confused about this revelation.

When it comes to The Post, you’re probably wondering how a Meryl Streep role ended up here. However, my issues lie more with the writing than Streep’s performance.

If we’re being honest here, Tom Hanks was the main character of the movie. That’s just the facts and it’s a shame because The Post could’ve been a really great Kay Graham biopic that showed her growth through the company rather than focusing on a very small part.

My issue is that by the time Kay has to make the decision about publishing the Pentagon Papers, she’s been in charge for many years. If you read the actual history of her decision to publish the papers, she wasn’t nervous at all. I highly doubt she was the blubbering, nervous wreck the movie made her out to be. And what a shame that was. Instead of writing her as the strong woman she was, she got minimized into this meek woman.

Plus, isn’t this story really the story of The New York Times? I mean, they were the ones to publish the Pentagon Papers first and it was really Daniel Ellsberg who was facing the most serious penalties. I feel like the reason Spielberg took the angle from Kay’s side is so that he could kind of jump on the bandwagon of having strong female leads. Well, I just didn’t buy it. There was a thoughtful movie in there about a woman in charge of a newspaper faced with not only a difficult choice, but the reality of being a woman in charge of a company in the sixties and seventies.

I just wish he would’ve made that movie.

Alright, I should probably wrap this up because ya girl has tickets to see Aladdin at the Pantages tonight and I gotta catch up on Black Lightning before I go. Maybe I’ll get better at updating my blog, but we’ll see. Maybe I’ll take notes during each movie I watch. Maybe that sounds like a lot of effort, but who’s to say where the future will lead us. Okay I’ll leave you with these last thoughts:

Top Three Best Movies I Hadn’t Seen Before: Columbus, In the Fade, and I, Tonya

Top Three Movies I’ve Already Seen: Lady Bird20th Century Women, and San Junipero

Favorite Line from a Movie: “Some people just aren’t built happy.” – Lady Bird

Bottom Two Worst Movies: The Humbling and Insidious: The Last Key

Movie That Surprised Me in a Good Way: Phantom Thread

Movie That Let Me Down: The Post

If you want to keep up with this dumb New Year’s Resolution in real time and read my snarky one-liner reviews, hit me up on Letterboxd.

I Made a New Year’s Resolution After All

So despite saying just a few days ago that I wasn’t planning on making any New Year’s resolutions, ya girl went and made a New Year’s resolution.

I’m not eating kale or drinking more water or anything like that. I’ve decided that every single day in 2018, I’m going to watch a movie. Yes, this is the dumbest resolution I could make. However, I truly do not care and I’m going to stick with it. I already anticipate failing because I’m going home to visit in like a week or so and I’ll probably have something better to do than watch a movie.

By the end of 2018, though, I want to have watched 365 films. Since I’m going to TIFF this year, there’s a good chance I’ll make up for any missed days because I end up watching at least three movies a day there. Whatever. You’re not invested in that. I get it. You wanna know what movies I’ve already watched for the first five days of 2018.

Here we go:

I, Tonya

National Treasure

The Beguiled

Black Mirror: San Junipero

Lovesong

If you want to split hairs, I guess technically, San Junipero is a TV show, but it’s on the movie rating app, Letterboxd, so I’m counting it. Sue me. I’ve also seen National Treasure NUMEROUS times before, but listen, this is a forking good movie and I’m in love with Diane Kruger.

WHATEVER. This is my New Year’s resolution. Go get your own.

Needless to say, there will be spoilers below.

I wanna tell y’all about I, Tonya first and foremost because it’s the most recent movie to come out and one that’s drumming up a lot of awards chatter. Margot Robbie’s performance was unreal, and when they took the focus away from her to focus on other people, the movie faltered. She was the insanely talented glue that held this movie together. I didn’t have an opinion on her acting talents because I’ve only seen her in Suicide Squad. (Yeah, that’s right. I haven’t seen The Wolf of Wall Street yet. It just sounded like so much effort to sit through that.)

One of the things about awards season that bothers me is that people put a lot of stock in the transformations actors go through to become their roles. Or their press circuit always centers on some injury they got on set because they were just too committed. I mean, Jennifer Lawrence started very early this year. Leo DiCaprio did it two years ago.

The reason it bugs me is that, yes, it shows how committed you are, but that doesn’t mean you had a good performance. The hurdler who breaks a leg on the first hurdle was really committed, but they still came in last.

The reason I bring this up is because people are already talking about Margot Robbie’s “incredible transformation” and if she does win, it’ll always be linked to that. Truly, was it THAT much of a transformation? In her case, that’s not the extent or strength of her acting.

The scene where she relives the triple axel was simultaneously beautiful and sad. You have this moment that felt so deserved because we’ve seen her work her ass off to never be considered as good because she didn’t fit the feminine ideals the figure skating world wanted her to fit into. But this triple axel was the biggest, most beautiful “fuck you” to all of them. And all of that is there in her face. In the Tonya that’s reflecting back on it in the interview and the Tonya that lands it in real time. It’s this moment of pure triumph that has an undercurrent of pain because all her life, Tonya just wanted to be Good. She wanted people to like her. She wanted to matter and, in that moment for maybe the first time in her life, she had hope.

The movie also had a lot to say about how society views women and how they treat the women who don’t fit into their cookie cutter idea of what women should look and act like. A woman shouldn’t have spent the morning chopping down wood and fixing cars. A woman shouldn’t be dressed like that. Despite being the best skater out there, the judges knocked down her scores because rough tomboy Tonya Harding was not who they wanted to be the face of figure skating. How we all wish movie Tonya’s “suck my dick” to the judges could’ve been real.

One of the most heartbreaking scenes in the movie is where she tracks down a judge to his car and is desperate. All she wants to know is how to get a fair shot at the thing she loves. That scene and the courthouse scene toward the end solidified Margot Robbie’s performance for me.

As for the rest, I thought it was a little ridiculous that they wanted me to believe  Sebastian Stan and Margot Robbie were 15. They also couldn’t figure out the tone they were going for. They’d frame some of the abusive scenes as the horror they are and then treat others without the same sincerity. All in all, though, what a triumph for Margot Robbie.

I don’t think I truly have an opinion on The Beguiled. I liked it. It’s not Sofia Coppola’s finest and the lighting made the movie very tough to watch on a laptop. It’s no Virgin Suicides. Virgin Homicide, though, amiright??

Lovesong is a movie I’ve half avoided and half looked forward to. Here’s a fun fact about me; I love Riley Keough. Yet another criminally underused actor whose movies I will watch. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen movies of some actors that only the actors’ parents have also seen.

Anyway, I was pleasantly surprised by Lovesong. It was a very quiet movie. The kind of movie my sister would despise. She likes musicals because they sing all their feelings. I like movies where people just quietly stare longingly at one another. So needless to say, I enjoyed myself. I was not expecting to be blindsided by that much sadness, but boy did this hit me hard.

Speaking of movies, I think I’m going to put up a post about the Golden Globes this weekend. I don’t have a TV, so I’ll be living through twitter. HOWEVER, I do have a lot of unpopular opinions and I’m rooting real hard for Lady Bird. Look for that maybe tomorrow? It has to be tomorrow because that’s when the awards are, but will I make my deadline? We’ll find out.

Time is a Social Construct, but Happy New Year!

So, I was driving to work this morning and I saw this:

If you can’t really see, it’s a plane with a banner. The banner says “You look bee-utiful!” and it’s an ad for Bumble, the dating app.

First of all, I was unaware that business were still out there using planes as a means of advertising. Certainly not hip, young, millennial companies. I thought plane banners exclusively catered to real estate agents.

What a nice way to welcome 2018.

I also texted two (2!) people “Happy Birthday” instead of “Happy New Year.” I don’t know how I’m allowed to operate heavy machinery.

I’m not super big on New Years’ resolutions. I think they’re a scam for gyms to make a bunch of extra money. I do really like this video by a YouTuber named Natalie Tran about how there should be a New Years Resolution Police Task Force that makes people follow through with their resolutions. It’s such a weird video, but it gets me good every time.

So, do I have any New Year’s resolutions?

Kinda?

I’m gonna be back more on this blog, that’s for sure. I know y’all missed me. I certainly missed yelling into the void about my deeply unpopular opinions on pop culture and guilting my friends and family into reading them.

I’m also gonna keep writing. Duh. I moderately enjoy it.

If you’re going to ClexaCon in Vegas in April, your girl’s gonna be there. I’ll sign your book. I’ll take a selfie with you…maybe…if I’m having a good hair day. You’re in luck. I almost always have a good hair day. Look at this bedhead I woke up to today.

Maybe I’ll learn how to pose for a selfie in a normal way between now and April.

I’m going to be moving (again) because I don’t know if this California sunshine is for me. I like my days overcast and stormy. That being said, I’d like to be a guest on an LGBT podcast, so if you’re in the LA area and you’ve got a podcast, hit me up.

Also, fingers crossed, there’s like a 97% chance I’m going to TIFF again this year. BLESS.

Oh, and I think I wanna get another tattoo.

And that’s about it? If you want to tell me about your hopes and dreams for 2018, you know what to do.*

*By “you know what to do,” I mean go to the Contact Me page. I’m writing this from my app at work and it won’t let me link it. 😦

The Best of Me: 2017 Edition

Hello, everyone! Welcome to the last few days of 2017. The weird interim between Christmas and New Years. For a lot of you, that means being off school or work. For people like me who knowingly entered into the hospitality industry, today is my Tuesday.

As far as my life goes, 2017 has been a bit of a whirlwind. I picked my life up and moved entirely across the country. I published a book. I worked at six (six!) different companies. Not because I’m a flake or anything. Life just happens, okay? I started this mess of a blog that you people keep reading for some unknown reason. I also wrote two other books that are in the process of being edited.

It has been quite the year.

In celebration of me, I’m collecting some of my favorite things that I’ve written over the course of the year for you to peruse as you mindlessly eat gingerbread until the new year comes.

Without further ado:

The Best of Me: 2017 Edition

Burn Before Reading – So, I wrote a book technically last year, but it was published this year. In fact, January will mark the one year anniversary of putting that thing into the world. I wrote it for my sixteen-year-old self. So, here’s to you, kid, I hope you’re proud of me.

Thank You & I’m Sorry: The Magic of Lady Bird – It’s no secret that Lady Bird has taken hold of a part of my heart. It’s just one of those movies that feels so deeply personal without actually being mine at all. Somehow, it felt like I was watching a memory. This is one of those movies that I’m going to carry with me forever.

Santa Barbara, 1979 – Everything I said about Lady Bird, goes for 20th Century Women also. When I started this blog, I made the Tina Kakadelis Starter Pack as a nod to Seth Cohen from The O.C.. I have half a mind to make a new one for the new year because I can’t fathom that list existing without this movie.

Nancy Wheeler is the Real Hero of Stranger Things – Nancy Wheeler deserves a monster hunting spin-off and that’s all I need to say on the matter.

Barry Allen, Ross Geller, & Toxic Masculinity – One thing I learned this year is that I truly despise Friends. I’m glad I can finally feel confident in my opinion on the show. This article came after too many cups of coffee and prolonged exposure to Friends and Barry Allen. The conclusion I came to? Barry Allen is a saint and Ross Geller is truly the scum of fictional characters.

We Need to Talk About The Bold Type – One of the best shows of the year was The Bold Type. It was sweet, endearing, and passionate and everything 2017 needed. Granted, it has some kinks left to work out, but what first season show is perfect? This one got pretty close and had one of my favorite TV moments of the year.

“Yep, I’m (Still) Gay” – This year was the thirtieth anniversary of Ellen’s coming out episode. I doubt I’d have this blog or have written a book without it. Thank you, Ellen.

Thoughts from a Waiting Room – This is the story of how I deeply hate music festivals, how I almost died on I-4 just outside of Orlando, and how much I miss one of my best friends, Melanie.

Pissed-Off Writer Writes About Pissed-Off “Artist” – I hit my breaking point when it came to dudes who think they can do whatever they want.

Quote of the Day: 08.25.17 Springsteen and 42 Years of Born to Run – Because I can’t let a list go by without mentioning Springsteen. But, also, because I don’t know the person I’d be if I didn’t listen to Born to Run in my formative years.

Untitled Carly Allen 2 – So, this is one of the books that I wrote this year that is currently being edited. I don’t want to give away too many spoilers or anything like that, but I do want to share a favorite quote from the book as a bit of a teaser. Look for it on Amazon around April of 2018. This is one of the truest things I’ve ever had one of my characters say:

“You said you wanted romance. There’s nothing romantic about Florida or Southern California.”

Untitled Carly Allen 3 – Because I am incapable of doing anything in a manner that makes sense, I wrote this book before I wrote the second one. When I wrote Burn Before Reading, I knew exactly the story I wanted to tell. I knew how this trilogy was going to start and end before I even put the first word in a Word document. Who knows when this one will come out, but I am so ineffably excited for it. It takes place a few years after college. Here’s a little teaser of one of my favorite quotes from the book:

Magic. Pure electricity I remember feeling in my bones the way that old people can feel rain in their kneecaps. There is something so beautiful about the beginning of the rest of your life. All wide and sprawling and laid out for the taking. The pile of kindling just waiting for the match. Long before you know if the fire will keep you warm or burn you both to the ground.

Playlist Thursday: Have a Holly, Jolly, But Mostly Melancholy Christmas

Y’all really thought I was going to let Christmas come and go without dropping the hottest saddest holiday playlist????

That’s right. I’m back. Ready and armed with the saddest Christmas songs you could ever need. It’s not a long list because I don’t really do Christmas music. Blasphemous, I know. I like it when it’s in the background, but I only have a select few songs that I go out of my way to listen to.

Before we get into that, lemme just address the elephant in the room; yes, it’s been a WHILE. Listen, my ruthless editor gave me a deadline (last night) to finish the first draft of the second book in the Carly Allen Trilogy. Which means, not only is the first draft for the second book done, BUT the first draft of the third book has been done for while. Now’s the part of the process where I get to sit back and relax. Which means I’m going to work on the book that I worked on during NaNoWriMo. It also means that this blog is officially BACK.

Although, not really back because my family is coming in like three days, so this blog isn’t going to be at the top of my To-Do list.

However, since it is the holiday season and it’s the season of giving and I am a giver, without further ado, the Christmas playlist you’ve been waiting for.

Have a Holly, Jolly, Melancholy Christmas

  1. Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town by Bruce Springsteen – At this point, if you’re still shocked about the presence of a Bruce Springsteen song on a playlist of mine, I truly don’t know how to help you. My dad doesn’t think the holiday season officially starts until he hears this song “organically” on the radio. He doesn’t say organically. I’m saying organically. Anyway, I don’t have the same kind of patience as him and I just listen to this all the time.
  2. Christmas and Me are Through by Your Vegas – This song has been in my life for nine years and I just now heard the actual studio version of this song and it shook me to my core. For so long, I’ve been listening to a bad audio rip of it because it doesn’t exist anywhere. This song’s real sad and the guy singing it is like, Santa, Christmas is over because the girl I love left me, so just throw everything away there’s no point anymore.
  3. Blue Christmas by The Lumineers – I’ve had this song on repeat for about two weeks and you may be thinking to yourself, is Tina okay? And the answer’s yes. I’m fine physically, but know that my heart is hurting because I can’t say more than five words to the cute cashier at Whole Foods. Hence this song. But also, this song’s pretty great, heartache or not.
  4. Old Mexico by The Summer Set – RIP The Summer Set, you’ll be missed. They put this on a free album they put out many moons ago called What Money Can’t Buy. Is this really a Christmas song? No, but they do mention Christmas Eve once. It’s more of a New Year song, but I’m not being picky. Speaking of New Year, though…
  5. New Year’s Day by Taylor Swift – I like acoustic Taylor Swift songs the most. Sue me. It has virtually nothing to do with Christmas or New Year’s, but you can pry this song’s spot on this list from my cold, dead hands.
  6. River by Joni Mitchell (And Lea Michele on Glee) – Listen, sometimes Glee wasn’t a total dumpster fire and this is one of those times.
  7. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas by Literally Anyone – This might be my all-time favorite Christmas song and I love just about any rendition of the song. However, Anna Kendrick’s version is definitely one of the best.
  8. The Opening Song from Olive the Other Reindeer – If you haven’t seen the greatest Christmas film of all time, let me tell you the charming plot of this movie; basically there’s this lil puppy named Olive whose favorite holiday is Christmas. One year, one of Santa’s reindeer gets injured and Santa says that they’ll have to make do with “all of the other reindeer.” Lil sweet baby Olive thinks Santa said, “Olive, the other reindeer.” So, with the help of a penguin named Martini, Olive travels to the North Pole to save Christmas. It’s forking cinema.
  9. My Christmas Card to You by The Partridge Family – This might be the sweetest Christmas song that exists and I don’t think enough people know about it. It’s one of my mom’s favorites and she always tells this story about how she made homemade Christmas cards with lyrics from the song inside. More people should listen to this song and more people should make homemade Christmas cards.

Alright, that’s it. Those are the only songs that matter this holiday season. I hope you’re getting to spend the season with the ones you love. Please be nice to retail employees. Merry Chrysler (that is a joke, mother. don’t change it). I will now return to the SECOND of two Hallmark movies I’ve indulged in tonight; A Princess for Christmas. The first, if anyone was curious was Window Wonderland.

What have I become.

Make #Supergirl Queer, You Cowards (3.09 Recap)

Listen. A lot of really cool stuff happened in this episode, but I’d like to focus this recap on one issue. You all know this is an EXTREMELY aggressively pro-Lena Luthor blog for a multitude of reasons:

  1. The actress who plays Lena Luthor looks freakishly like the first girl I had a crush on in high school.
  2. Lena’s an inherently fascinating character, what with being the younger sister of one of DC’s biggest villains.
  3. The missed potential of a relationship between Kara Danvers and Lena Luthor will genuinely haunt me until the day I die.

Now that we have that out of the way, let me just say that I have a LOT of opinions about the James/Lena BULLSHIT that was forced upon the world in this episode.

First of all, I’m SICK and TIRED of writers forcing straight romances because they have no idea what to do with two characters. Are James and Lena compelling characters? Yes. Does that and that alone mean they should be together? No.

James is a pretty solid dude, but he doesn’t ever trust that Lena will do the right thing, despite the fact that she has consistently planted herself on the good side. If something bad happens that can minimally be related to Lena, James is like, idk, maybe she’s evil now lol.

Call me old fashioned, but I’d prefer my love interest to have consistent, unwavering support for me even when things don’t look good.

One of my favorite ridiculous scenes from season two was when everyone thought Lena was actually evil except for Kara, because she has literally never once doubted Lena. This pissed Kara off so much that she had to go punch some concrete.

And who was leading the anti-Lena campaign? James Olsen.

Another issue for this doomed relationship is that there’s genuinely zero chemistry between the two of them. That’s not a knock on their acting. Just, sometimes, two people exude chemistry, and sometimes it’s not there. They’ve shared three scenes (maybe) together and in most of those, it’s been entirely professional without even the tiniest bit of subtext.

When it comes to LGBT couples, TV shows have to have a plethora of scenes where the founding blocks of the relationship are established before they get together. Even then, there will still be people out there who SOMEHOW didn’t see it coming. For heterosexual couples, a guy and a girl only have to look at each other ONCE and suddenly, it’s a true love story.

Genuinely, out of nowhere, in this episode both Kara and Sam were like omg Lena the chemistry between you and James is UNREAL. It would’ve made much more sense to pair Lena with Winn since they’ve at least worked together a few times and they’re both tech nerds. It’s simply a case of the writers not knowing what to do with Lena and James, so they just pushed them into a relationship.

But what do I know?

The New York Times posted an article basically explaining non-canon relationships to the masses by doing a Q&A with a Tumblr expert, whatever that is. Anyway, the point is that they used Lena and Kara as an example and I simply CANNOT believe THE NEW YORK TIMES wrote about this.

Listen. I’m a rational human being…except when it comes to Pitch Perfect and you’d best BELIEVE my ass is getting queer baited for the THIRD time. So, when it comes to Supergirl, I’m completely aware this storyline will never be written. However, SOMEHOW they’re writing a compelling love story without even trying when all their actual attempts to write love stories are horrible.

Here’s an example:

During season two of Supergirl, Kara and Lena are having a heart-to-heart after Kara cleared Lena’s name. Lena’s thank you to Kara is as follows: “Supergirl, may have saved me, but Kara Danvers, you are my hero.”

During season two of Supergirl, not only did Mon-el think Kara was incapable of saving the world, he called her desire to save people “one of the more annoying things about [her].”

But who is Kara supposed to be in love with???

During Barry Allen and Iris West’s wedding in the last portion of this year’s crossover, part of Iris’ vows are as follows: “The Flash might be the city’s hero, but Barry Allen, you are my hero.”

You can’t just have two characters say the EXACT same thing and have it be the pinnacle of romance in one instance and just friendship in the other. It’s one thing to see The Flash or Supergirl as heroes, but it’s another to see Barry Allen and Kara Danvers as heroes. That’s what Barry and Kara want. Someone to see them for the dual lives they lead and to love them for who they are without superpowers. Mayo man Mon-el can’t even appreciate Kara as a hero, let alone understand how important Kara Danvers, the regular person, is.

At the end of the day, it’s just bad writing. Anyone with eyes sees that Kara and Lena are a better story than any other couple on the show. And I think that’s what’s making me so mad. It’s the fact that there’s this amazing chance at a really forking good storyline right there. And it’ll never happen.

This isn’t just me desperate for better queer representation on television (although, hi, yes, I’d love better LGBT representation), this is just anger that nobody in the writers’ room can see what’s in front of them because they already have their one gay character quota filled by Alex Danvers.

Charlie Brooker is the writer/creator of Black Mirror which, if you’re not watching it, you truly should be. It’s basically like the modern technology-centered update of The Twilight Zone. It’s so very good.

There’s an episode called San Junipero. I won’t give away any of the real spoilers/specifics in case somebody out there hasn’t seen it, but the central focus is on a gay relationship. While writing it, Brooker originally planned to center it on a heterosexual couple, but he was hitting a roadblock. Eventually, he says he switched it to two women and then it basically wrote itself. He joked that that was his writing advice. If you’re stuck, make it gay.

Well, Supergirl writers, maybe you should take that advice because what you’re doing isn’t working. Plain and simple.

As I’ve said a million times over the course of this blog, what makes Kara and Lena’s basis for a relationship of any kind, so compelling is the history it’s built on. Lex Luthor and Superman’s rivalry is one for the ages.

You have two girls who grew up in the shadows of two of the most famous men in the world. One, trying to be just as good, the other, attempting to repent for her brother’s sins. Both of them yearning to live a life that’s entirely their own. That’s interesting. There is so much that is starkly different about them and so much that is absolutely the same.

People talk all the time about opposites attracting, but a lot of times that’s written as two people yelling at each other before eventually just making out. Never any sort of resolution as to the differences that split them.

Kara and Lena are opposites. Kara’s family (at least Clark, not the rest of the Kryptonian Zor-els) stands for everything that’s good in the world. Lena’s family stands for hatred and fear-mongering and xenophobia. Kara’s world is sunny and pastel and a little eccentric. Lena’s world is all hard lines and professional and minimalist. They are opposites through and through, but there’s a current that runs through the two of them that makes them a lot closer than anyone may realize.

Their lives are shaped by loss. Kara’s lost basically everything she’s ever known. Lena lost her birth mother and her father. The one person who made her feel at home in the world was Lex. And look what happened to him.

But their lives are also shaped by hope. Unrelenting, passionate hope despite the world knocking them down again and again.

They’re compatible on such a basic level that it infuriates me because if the writers really were trying to make their show the best it can be, this would be a no-brainer. Not just for the beautiful fact that a proudly queer superhero is what the world needs, but because it’s the best story they can tell.

Make it queer, you cowards.

Legends of Flarrowgirl: The Crossover We All Asked For, But Did We Really Need?

Y’know, I always knew Supergirl treated James like garbage, but I truly did not anticipate them having James’ only crossover moment be him getting murdered by a Nazi in the first five minutes. It’s truly impressive how often my boy James isn’t treated nicely.

A couple things before we talk about the crossover as a whole:

  • Barry Allen and Iris West continue to be the only fictional straight television people I care about.
  • Bless this show for bringing back King Shark even just for a moment. I LOVE KING SHARK.
  • If absolutely nothing else, this crossover brought the one-night stand of Sara Lance and Alex Danvers, and my life has meaning again. Supergirl is wildly underutilizing Chyler Leigh’s comedic timing.
  • Mick Rory is a gem and I love him.
  • It’s cheesy as hell that they made Kara sing the song Barry sang from the musical episode last season, but fork if I didn’t tear up a little bit.
  • Joe West continues to be one of the best fictional dads on television and I 100% cried at his toast.
  • GOD BLESS KID FLASH.
  • I love that Mick has essentially replaced Commander Cold with Killer Frost. It’s a bizarre team-up I never anticipated, but I forking love it.
  • Supergirl and Nazi Supergirl’s fight was super duper cheesy, but I low-key loved seeing Kara fight in the dress she wore to the wedding. It’s weird seeing her fight in a not Supergirl outfit. Why does Nazi Supergirl talk like a low-key ’50s mobster?
  • I love how EVERYONE consistently realizes that Supergirl is the strongest team member and greatest asset EXCEPT everyone’s least favorite so-called star-crossed lover, Mon-el. Like, are they even trying to make him look like a good guy anymore or is continuity of no concern to the writers?
  • I was NOT a fan of Oli and Felicity hijacking Barry and Iris’s wedding at all. And WHERE was Joe???
  • BUT GODDAMN FELICITY STANDING UP TO NAZI OLIVER IS SO DAMN DOPE
  • That’s probably the best thing this crossover did right. They let everyone be a hero. Even the lone two on the shows without superpowers: Iris and Felicity.

I have a lot of issues with the whole Earth-X concept. First of all, since we’re living in a garbage time right now where The New York Times published a puff piece about the humanity of Nazis in 2017, I feel like Earth-X should’ve looked like our world instead of a far-away seeming. Punching twenty-first century Nazis would’ve made a much stronger political stance…the one they alluded to when they realized the Nazis weren’t anachronisms and from a world where the Allies didn’t win World War II. This far-off land made it seem like the problem of white supremacy doesn’t exist anymore and that we live in a more evolved society that’s beyond racism. We don’t, but making Earth-X look so different from the Earth we know separates us from that.

Also, the fact that they left Earth-X to be overrun by Nazis is not something I particularly like. It’s some straight-up nonsense. They’re heroes. They save the damn day and they don’t go home until everyone’s safe. But they’re only apparently concerned with the people of their own Earth. Barry weakly offers his support to the people of Earth-X at the end, but I doubt we’re ever going to hear about Earth-X again. Like yeah, Nazi Supergirl and Nazi Arrow died, but that doesn’t mean Earth-X is free.

Second of all, when the promos came out, I was hoping that the reason the heroes were in league with Nazis was because they got brainwashed or something. I don’t like the idea that there’s an Earth out there where these heroes actively chose to be in the Nazi ranks. Especially since Barry Allen and Kara Danvers have been canonically written as Jewish in their comics. That doesn’t sit right with me. At all.

And it’s not like there wasn’t a rebellion on Earth-X the heroes could’ve been a part of. Earth-X James was acting as Guardian, Earth-X Alex was so fiercely anti-Nazi that she tried to kill her own sister, and Earth-X Winn was the leader of the resistance. If James and Alex can be good on all Earths, why can’t the heroes?

It would’ve been SO EASY to have brainwashing as the reason behind it. Superheroes are such a symbol of strength and hope when all is lost. I know he’s Marvel, but Captain America was written by Jewish men in the middle of World War II and the cover of the first comic was Cap punching Hitler. That’s hope in the darkest times. A lot of superheroes were born in that time period and it’s a damn shame to have to watch these symbols of hope actively choose to be Nazis.

Here’s the thing about superheroes; they’re good with a capital G. They’re like the best person you could ever conceive of. Even if they struggle with how to deal with pain or loss or things like that, at the end of the day, they’re here to save the day. They’re beacons of hope in weary worlds.

Since the writers for this crossover have made these heroes turn into Nazis, they’re saying there’s a part of each of them, deep inside, that’s hateful. They took these great beacons and turned them into hateful beings. They’re saying there’s a version of Kara Danvers out there who lived through Krypton dying, woke up in a world that violently oppressed and murdered millions of people, and STILL joined the Nazis?! Not my Kara Danvers.

Which brings me back to my question from above: if Earth-X James, Alex, and Winn knew that Nazis were bad, how the fork did Supergirl become one?

I’m sure there’s a way to tell the story they were aiming to tell, but a show that makes an offhand comment about Mengele is not the show that should be telling the story. It didn’t have to be about Nazis like this.

My parents are avid readers of my blog, but they don’t watch Supergirl. I guess they wanted to feel close to me since I live three thousand miles away, so, without telling me, they tuned in on Monday night for the newest episode of Supergirl. Only problem was, they didn’t realize it was the crossover event with all these other characters, so they were CONFUSED, to say the least. And, so, for night two, I asked them to text me their thoughts because I could only imagine how wild they would be.

They also felt the Nazi plot was NOT the right choice, and if this was the first episode of the show they’ve seen and even they figured it out, then the studio should’ve figured it out too.

Without further ado, some parental texts:

  • “Assassin is wearing an interesting outfit. Supergirl’s sister is very upset.”
  • “But wait, C3PO just appeared and shot a green laser. Don’t know who he is.”
  • “Dad says who knew there was so much banging in the super world.”
  • “Poor Supergirl is struggling, strapped to a table under red sunlight and listening to Nazi Supergirl tell her how stupid she is.”
  • “My phone’s at 6 percent. And I’m 100% sure I’m not making sense. This show doesn’t make sense!”
  • “Fun quote. 1st guy says You know I can’t say no when you look at me like that. 2nd guy says That’s why I look at you like that.”
  • Me: “Why’d she pinch her nose?” My parents: “To be mean. We laughed.”
  • “More eye beam stuff. Can’t stop laughing.” (Supergirl’s laser eyes really got them good numerous times.)
  • “Who’s the guy with the arrows?” (The answer would be Arrow.)
  • “Uh oh, they’ve reached red light saturation!”
  • “Wayne?” (They meant Winn.)
  • “I believe the other Kara turned off the power just before the guy was going to stick the scary drill thing in her chest. Not sure why he wouldn’t use a scalpel first…”
  • “Good Earth Kara is saving Supergirl” (Good Earth Kara is Felicity, so not actually Kara.)
  • “Oh no! Son is telling his wife he’s dead. Daughter too? They live in a nice Craftsman house.”

(also, regular blog posts are coming back soon. plz stay tuned.)