Burn Before Blogging

#WhyIWrite

So, somebody finally used the Contact page last night which means I now know that it really works and you forkers just haven’t ever wanted to talk to me. It’s FINE. I’ll  continue to toil through life searching for some sort of meaning in this weird, wild world.

How’re you guys? Good, good. I’m very tired and my lips are chapped and that’s probably more than you needed to know about me. That’s more than I wanted to know about myself. It’s one A.M. and I am FIGHTING through the exhaustion to write this post. I’m sure most of you are probably like, Tina go to sleep and maybe right something halfway decent in the morning. To that I say, thanks but no thanks.

I’ve run out of weird niche things to rant about?? I started a new job with some new people and we’ve all been sharing our favorite movies. Obviously, I said Josie and the Pussycats is my fave and no one had ever heard of it. No one appreciated Grease 2, apparently. Everyone now thinks I pick the underdog movies that nobody’s seen and I latch onto them. And I guess they’re right.

What I’ve accidentally noticed when I’ve met people who work “in the industry” (I know, I’m disgusted by me saying that as well), I’ve talked to them about the weird, small thing that they did many years ago that didn’t get the love it deserved. Like I talked to this VP of Finance and he’d worked on American Dreams, the old TV show with baby Brittany Snow. It’s fine. You probably haven’t seen it. Anyway, the dude was like that’s the best thing I ever worked on and it was ahead of its time.

This is not me weirdly boasting about liking obscure stuff. It’s just me saying that I think you should make the things you’re passionate about. I mean, I can’t imagine walking up to like the dude in charge of the Transformers franchise and his eyes lighting up because this is the movie he HAD to make.

I don’t know. Just make something that matters to you because I guarantee you that if it really, honestly, deeply, truly matters to you, it’ll matter to somebody else. I thought all those famous people out there who say “If just one person out there liked the book/song/movie/WHATEVER, then it’ll all have been worth it” were full of nonsense.

However, I found out a few months ago that I am an idiot. If one person likes it, it IS worth it. I remember getting an email out of the blue one night when I still sleeping in the living room of my friends’ apartment. I had just moved to California and I was working two jobs. I still live in California and I STILL work two jobs. Not much has changed in my life except for I now sleep in my own living room. (My apartment is tiny and basically just one long room.)

Anyway, the email was someone who had read my book and liked it. This was a complete stranger who stumbled upon my book and liked it. They liked it. Hey, Mikey. It was the first real feeling that maybe I’ve got a shot at this. Because maybe if this one person that I didn’t know and who didn’t know me liked it, then maybe I’m on the right track.

So, it’s now two A.M. and I might be slightly delirious, but Sally, wherever you are, thank you. It really means the world.

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Power Ballads & Strip Clubs

Um, so Bob Seger just gets it.

THIS SONG IS SO GOOD. One time I was singing this in the car with my dad and he was like, why are you singing so intensely and like, Dad, come on, it’s an incredible song. Ya gotta sing it with all you’ve got. I apologize in advance if I ever find this song at a karaoke establishment because it’ll get WILD. As wild as a power ballad can get.

(The song is We’ve Got Tonight btw.)

Despite how incredible this song is, it’s not the greatest power ballad on the planet. That honor falls to Canadian legend and icon, Celine Dion, and her classic, It’s All Coming Back to Me Now. This song is eight and a half minutes of pure beauty. Yet another song that’s rarely featured at karaoke establishments. It’s almost like people DON’T want me to put my blood, sweat, and tears on the karaoke stage. Which, y’all are missing the fork out.

If you want an exclusive look at what it’d be like if I ever got to sing this song in front of the public, click here. It’s not me, but it’s a dude named Jeremy Jordan, and boy just gets how good this song is. However, my version is a lot more tone-deaf. BUT the feelings are there.

Sorry this is going up late. I worked till 1 A.M. last night and I was NOT about to stay up later and write this. I did listen to Taylor Swift’s new song, though, so you can see where my priorities lie. I’ve still got mixed emotions about this new era of Taylor. I just tend to like more Dad Rock stuff, and while she’s never been really Dad Rock-y, this new stuff is the polar opposite. Also, I’m just VERY bitter that a ten-minute version of All Too Well exists on this planet and I have not heard it???

@ TAYLOR SWIFT: RELEASE THE TEN-MINUTE-LONG VERSION, YOU COWARD.

Ahem, sorry about that, but seriously, Taylor Swift. Let that gem out into the world.

On a total random tangent, whenever I use/hear the phrase “mixed emotions,” I always think of the saddest strip club in New York City called Mixed Emotions. First of all, I can’t imagine that name is good for business. I feel like people don’t want to be reminded of their possible conflicting emotions before going to a strip club, but maybe I’m wrong. Second of all, I have never been inside, but I can’t imagine the inside decor really makes up for the name.

Basically, this strip club has haunted me every single time I’ve been to New York and someday, I just gotta go in so that I’ll finally be free from this.

Playlist Thursday: Run Away With Me

I never thought of myself as a dramatic person until I typed out that title. It’s pushing two a.m. on a Wednesday night and I’m listening to sappy love songs, so clearly I’m doing really great things. If you think I’m about to bash on love, then this must be the first blog post of mine you’ve ever read. In which case, hi, how are you, thank you for clicking on this blog, I love Lena Luthor, please buy my book. There. Now you’re up to date.

So, what’s the deal with love, huh? It’s just like airplane food. If it’s really good, it’s a shock. And if it’s really bad, it’ll give you the runs. Wow. Incredible. Proof that I do not have a career as a stand-up comedian. (I just really wanted to do the whole cliché airplane food joke and it didn’t go well.) (Cheese, though?! Amiright?) (Please go watch The Big Sick. SOMEBODY UNDERSTAND MY NICHE REFERENCES)

As a youthful little nugget, I didn’t think the phrase “I love you” was the most romantic phrase out there. No, no. Clearly too mainstream for me. I thought “Run away with me” were the four most romantic words out there. Why? Early exposure to Bruce Springsteen albums is most likely the root of all of my character quirks.

(I do still stand by that, though, due to prolonged exposure to Bruce Springsteen albums. Those things really gotta come with a warning.)

In all seriousness, “Run away with me” holds more weight. Think of how few people you’d want to be cramped in a car with for the foreseeable future. Definitely not the same number of people you’ve said “I love you” to. I think part of the problem is that we expect to love the people we date and that’s just not true. We expect to say “I love you” anytime from three to six months into the relationship, but that’s just wildly unrealistic. If there wasn’t this societal pressure, I doubt anyone would be dropping the love bomb that soon.

When you say “Run away with me” to somebody, that’s it. As far as you’re concerned, it’s the two of you facing the world together in a Chevy truck straight out of a Springsteen song. No concrete home to go back to. Just life in a car on the open road. It’s hope and love and a promise all wrapped up neatly in four words. Most of all, it’s faith. The faith that this person is who you believe them to be and that you want to travel through the rambling desert with them. That, when you look at the seat next to you, they’re who you want to see. No switching out for somebody new at the next mile marker.

There’s also just something so inherently romantic about driving. Again, I probably feel this way because of Springsteen, but there’s something about the running and the leaving and the going.

Soooooooo, here are the best songs about running away with the love of your life. (Yes, the playlists are getting shorter and I’m gonna justify that by saying that the days are getting shorter and I have less time and I’m still tryna write a sequel to this book.) (Fun fact, though: The picture today is from when I drove across the country to move to L.A. This is from somewhere in Texas near Amarillo. And like, I get it, the sky really is bigger in Texas and their sunrises are really, really pretty.)

Playlist Thursday: Run Away With Me

  1. Run Away With Me by Kait Kerrigan and Brian Lowdermilk – So, I’ve been listening to this song for at least twelve years. I’ve definitely talked about Kerrigan and Lowdermilk before. They’re musical geniuses and the musical this is from, The Unauthorized Autobiography of Samantha Brown, is going (I think) to be on Broadway shortly. It’s reworked though as something called The Mad Ones. I don’t know, guys. I DO know that I sing this song at least once a day because it’s lovely and in my minimal vocal range.
  2. Thunder Road by Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band – This is THE quintessential song about running away. I feel like I don’t even need to justify its presence here??? But I WILL. It’s basically about the narrator pleading with a girl named Mary to leave their beachside town in the dust. “So you’re scared and you’re thinking that maybe/We ain’t that young anymore/Show a little faith/There’s magic in the night.” Um, wow. WOW, Springsteen. Those are some pretty words. Some really forking pretty words to run away to.
  3. Sleep on the Floor by The Lumineers – I’m pretty sure I used this song on the Pumpkin Spicy playlist I made like two weeks ago. But who’s keeping score? Certainly not me. The part of this song that gets me every time is toward the end after the dude’s like pack a bag, let’s go. At the end, he’s like “Decide on me/Decide on us.” And shoot, that’s pretty ride or die there.
  4. Freedom by Kait Kerrigan and Brian Lowdermilk – Listen. I truly believe that love is not always romantic. You can say that you love your friends and I think you’ve got platonic soulmates. Friends you’re going to spend the rest of your life with, without any romantic intentions. That’s kinda what this song is about. It’s about Sam and Kelly, two best friends ready to take on the world together. No kids, no mortgage, no map, no curfew. Just youth and the open road. That’s a dream come true. This is also from the Kerrigan/Lowdermilk musical, The Unauthorized Autobiography of Samantha Brown or The Mad Ones. Honestly, @Kerrigan & Lowdermilk, fly me to Broadway plz. I love your work. I’m your number one fan.
  5. Fast Car by Tracy Chapman – Uh, so this song always makes me cry, and if you’ve made it to 2017 without having heard it, I’m impressed. I’m almost positive that it’s always playing on the radio on some station at any given point in time. Same with Friends on TV. I really think you can ALWAYS find Friends on TV if you want to. (Friends update: I’m still in season one. Ross is still a li’l shit. Rachel is still the love of my life.)
  6. Home by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes – In high school, the final project in my AP U.S. History class was to make a video of a historical event. Other groups got Watergate or The Beatles’ first U.S. gig. My group got the Oregon Trail. This was in the height of the 19 Kids & Counting fame before the world found out about the sexual assault and Ashley Madison accounts. So we decided to make a faux episode of the show, but in the time of the Oregon Trail. It was a fake Duggar-like family’s mockumentary about their travels along the Oregon Trail. I played the Jim Bob Duggar-type character and I had to pretend to shoot my friend’s dog with a water gun that didn’t have any water in it. The dog had a hand-drawn picture of a bison on it and the dog played all the various animals of the West. ALL THIS TO SAY, this was the song we set the opening credits to. NO, YOU CAN’T FIND A COPY OF THIS ANYWHERE.
  7. Old Mexico by The Summer Set – So, The Summer Set officially announced they were taking an indefinite hiatus, and that’s a massive bummer. I’ve been listening to them since they started like ten years ago. Back when they were a tiny little band on MySpace and when they toured in a terrible 15-passenger van with a cup on their merch table for gas money because they kept getting stranded on highways. They got me through the end of middle school, all of high school, college, and now whatever this is. Adulthood, I guess? They never became the most popular band in the world and I’m sure most of you have never heard of them, but they were my favorite band for ten years. This song they put out five years ago as part of a Christmas EP and they donated all the money to charity. Anyway, it’s a sweet song about running away to old Mexico at Christmastime.
  8. Born to Run by Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band – There was genuinely no better way to end this playlist. Honestly. Not just because I am Springsteen through and through, but because I feel like he just gets it. There is nothing more triumphant than this song and the feeling it encapsulates. Feeling like you’ve got the wind at your back in a terrifying and insanely excited way. “So walk with me out on the wire/Cause baby I’m just a scared and lonely rider/But I gotta know how it feels/I wanna know if love is wild/I wanna know if love is real.” SHOOT, SON I’LL RUN AWAY WITH YOU.

Budgets & Haunted Houses

Mother, relax. I am NOT spending money like the way it likes to rain. I will admit, I was about to go get dinner after work because I worked late last night, BUT I didn’t. No, no. I did the whole You-Have-Food-At-Home spiel in my head.

And I did make it home…and then I got home and went on Postmates and I was about to order tacos from this place called The Great White Hut which is a weird shack apparently? Anyway, long, boring story short, I didn’t buy food. Aren’t you so proud, Mom??

So, last night I worked late at a haunted house and lemme tell ya, it was wild. I have been through haunted houses before and, tragically, one time I had to act in a haunted house. Last night, I was just in charge of making sure no one bit it on the stairs. People got really close to falling. Is it wrong that I found the screams of people scared funny?

I feel like that doesn’t make me a sociopath, right? Like since they’re not actually being tortured or anything. I don’t know. I feel like now you guys all think I’m nuts now, but I’m not worried about it. It’s genuinely hilarious to watch adult men get terrified by faux-bloody teenagers.

What else is new?

OH, if y’all haven’t seen The Big Sick, I need you to change that. It’s a movie about a stand-up comedian named Kumail who’s doing a show one night when a very cute girl, Emily, jokingly heckles him. It’s real cute. Anyway, Kumail’s parents want him to be a doctor and to marry a Pakistani girl, but he wants to do stand-up and Emily is very white and distinctly not Pakistani.

He’s kinda torn between his family and this really great girl and then, all of a sudden, Emily has this medical emergency that puts her in a coma. Next thing Kumail knows, he’s spending all his time at the hospital for a girl he’s just met and he has to meet her parents in the worst possible scenario. Also the parents are played by Ray Romano and Holly Hunter. This was charming as hell.

That’s all I’ve got today. I’m working a lot this week? We talked about this alreay, remember? BUT! There will be an on-time Playlist Thursday today, so stay tuned. See ya around.

Friends, Mouthguards, & Lena Luthor…Oh, My!

I am officially nine episodes into Friends and I still can’t tell if I like it. I mean, I don’t despise it. It doesn’t feel like a chore. It’s just kinda nice background noise?

Am I supposed to hate Joey because I don’t??? He’s really out there trying to make his dream of being an actor come true. But Ross?? Fork that dude. Like, I get it. It sucks that your wife left you…in any other circumstance except this one. Did you really want to spend your life with someone who’s inherently NOT attracted to you??? Cause that sounds pretty miserable if you ask me.

Do I remember Ross’ ex-wife’s girlfriend’s name? No. Do I love her? Yes. Ross is out here tryna make her feel bad for talking to the baby before it’s been born. Bro, that’s normal??? I think they’re trying to make it so I’m supposed to be sympathizing with Ross, but I’m 100000% not. Dude also thinks he has some sort of claim over Rachel because of how long he’s had a crush on her. He didn’t even contribute to helping Rachel afford to fly home to see her family for Thanksgiving??? And he’s pouty as hell??? No thank you.

In other news, I had to buy a mouthguard-retainer-thing at Target yesterday. Yes, ladies, I am SHOCKINGLY single.

The reason being is that I noticed my top row of teeth is starting to gap a little bit and while I find gap teeth unfairly charming, I would like just a little bit of the effects of my old braces to last. Otherwise, I went through middle looking like a buffoon for NOTHING.

So that’s where my life’s at right now. I think I might being pausing my Friends binge to watch the new Netflix show Mindhunter with Jonathon Groff because I love my boy JGroff.

Also, here’s your weekly reminder that I am ride or die for Lena Luthor and she’s a total lesbian:

Tina + Lena Luthor = ❤️

Somebody carve that into a tree for me.

Guest Post: How Stick It Made Me Gay…For Female Empowerment

(Hi, this is Tina. No need to adjust your computer screens. Three blog posts in one day??? And this one’s a guest post??? That’s right. I have a real actual person who I bullied volunteered to write a guest post on my blog. Am I finally doing this blog thing right??)

So, this has to be a little weird because I’m definitely not Tina Kakadelis. I promise she hasn’t been body snatched, she has just decided (for some reason guys I don’t get it either) to let me spew my love for the movie Stick It all over her blog. I would be grateful except the truth behind this really is that she has been bullying me to write this for probably around an entire month now. So, hello. Hi. I did it. Your girl Tina is awfully pushy. (Wow, so rude and probably very accurate – Side comment from Tina)

Should I introduce myself, or should we simply keep it at “Bisexual-Woman-Who-Is-Overly-Enthusiastic-About-How-Queer-Stick-It-Is?” That’s a mouthful but I’m stickin’ with it. Eh! Get it? Stickin? Oh god, Tina’s blog, I am so sorry about all of this, but I fear it’s only the beginning so buckle up because I am not a writer and this is gonna be a trip.

I need you all (if you haven’t already) to sit down and focus on this patriarchy smashing cinematic masterpiece about, you guessed it. Gymnastics! Okay, it sounds absurd but hear me out. The main character Hayley is the most attractive butch queer (this is implied, but early 2000’s baby gay beggars can’t be choosers) babe, this incredible story is filled with endearing characters, and bomb ass color filled shots. Oh, and the soundtrack?! It’s golden. Blink 182? GreenDay? Fall Out Boy?

Okay, sorry thirteen-year-old me just lost it. I’m chilling out. I’m calm.

Did I mention the color aesthetic of the shots? I did? Okay good, because let me tell you it’s worth bothering you all about. (Honestly. The DP should’ve been paid a million dollars for this movie because it’s shockingly well-done. I shed a tear because of some of the shots. It’s not your average teen movie. – Side comment from Tina.)

I can’t say enough good things about this heartfelt female centric film. The last fifteen minutes have me on my feet cheering every single time watch it. It’s that film that leaves me feeling like I can punch my life problems just like Hayley punches the air in her sick floor routine at worlds. Yep, air punching. I don’t know why and I don’t know who decided this was good gymnastics choreography, but I support them fully.

Truthfully, the most wonderful thing about Stick It is how in the end it becomes a tale of women supporting women. I can’t tell you how valuable I think this lesson is without becoming some emotional crazy person. It’s important. Hayley and all of the other gymnast end up cheering on each other as they kick butt in competition as they decide to join together and fight against some patriarchal bull hockey being thrust upon them from the judges.

OH MAN, I haven’t even mentioned the most ridiculous part? Jeff Bridges. Buddy, you lost? How did you get here Jeff? I’m not sure how but I’m definitely not complaining. He is one of the few men in this film, and I’m not mad that they somehow coerced him into this bizzarr-o gay classic.

I guess I’m just really trying to share this little piece of my young gay life. These things become so important later, that you can look back and see things and thing “Oh, these are the pieces of my human puzzle.” I don’t know what it says of me that a butch lesbian doing gymnastics shaped me as a human, but I like to think it’s something special.

(Um, so this was great. Everyone tell Bisexual-Woman-Who-Is-Overly-Enthusiastic-About-How-Queer-Stick-It-Is that she did a great job and maybe I’ll get more days off she’ll write more. Also, does anyone else want to share the movie they watched in their youth that attributed to their queer awakening??? I feel like that’s quality content. Did I just create a new segment on this show??? Maybe I’ll do mine next week, but if there’s any queer person out there who wants to share the film that helped them realize they were queer, please let me know.)

How Mainstream Pop Culture Has Failed LGBTQ Women: A Continuation

Teen Vogue continues to be a beacon of intelligence and hope in this dumpster fire nightmare that we’re all currently living in. They published an article the other day called How Mainstream Pop Culture Has Failed LGBTQ Women and you should all go read it. Sarah Beauchamp did a very lovely job.

Because I live and breathe pop culture and because positive LGBT representation is something I’ve been yelling about since I started this forking blog, I’m going to add to Sarah’s already eloquent thoughts.

Growing up LGBT, you search high and low for any sort of glimpse of someone who knows what you’re going through. Someone who understands what it’s like to have your world inverted when you figure out you’re queer. I quickly came to find that the world, and mainstream pop culture, are not kind to lesbians.

The author of the Teen Vogue article mentioned The O.C. and the relationship between Marissa and Alex. As someone who grew up watching The O.C., I knew exactly how she felt. Not only did Alex and Marissa’s three-episode-long relationship amount to nothing, it enforced negative stereotypes of bisexual women. It existed only for its shock value.

That’s harmful. That makes it seem like being LGBT is a gimmick. Something that’s frowned upon by parents and something you’ll grow out of. They treat it like a dirty little secret without taking the time to examine the repercussions on the fictional characters and the very real people watching. Maybe Marissa Cooper was bi too! We’ll never know because Alex existed solely to make out with Marissa for a little while and then disappear into the black hole of Disposable Teen Drama Queer Characters Who Lasted Less Than A Season.

A few days ago, I read an article about how the love story between Marilyn and Billie Jean in Battle of the Sexes was oversimplified and therefor didn’t pack an emotional impact. For those of you who didn’t know, Marilyn was the one who ended up outing Billie Jean, about ten years later. It was the first public outing of a sports star. I wish I could find that article again, but it’s lost to the depths of the Internet.

My issue with this critique is that, quite simply, I’m forking sick of seeing dramatic, sad representations of lesbians in pop culture. I’d say that, in the grand scheme of things, Battle of the Sexes’ rewriting of history is nowhere near as egregious as many other “inspired by a true story” movies. Is it really that bad to sugarcoat their love story? Is it so terrible to give them a kindness that wasn’t afforded to them back then? Maybe they could’ve put that info in the section at the end. But again, I don’t think it was truly an issue.

It’s not like the movie presented their relationship as 100% okay and fully accepted. Margaret Court was, and STILL is, aggressively against LGBT rights. That scene where Marilyn and Larry ride up the elevator together while Billie Jean frantically clears the evidence from the hotel room left me as tense as Dunkirk. Their lives didn’t get to be picture perfect, but their story was written and filmed in a way that wasn’t overly sexual, as many lesbian portrayals in movies tend to be. They got to be Marilyn and Billie Jean. Two people falling in love to sweet ’70s rock, awash in pretty neon light.

They didn’t get their happy ending exactly, but they got something close. And Alan Cumming’s line at the very end was perfect. My point is that if I’d seen this movie and this story instead of The O.C. when I was younger, the course of my life would be very different. Because even though Billie Jean and Marilyn were met with adversity, they weren’t treated as the joke or the ones in the wrong. The movie showed that society and Margaret Court were the ones in the wrong. Never Billie Jean and Marilyn.

That’s the difference. A lot of so-called representation boils down to some sort of exciting, “exotic” moment that’s ignored from then on. Take The O.C. again. I’m fairly certain no one mentions Marissa’s relationship with Alex after it’s over. No one brings up the Betty/Veronica kiss from the pilot of Riverdale once it’s over. The reason being, it didn’t matter. It wasn’t written from an honest place of wanting to give stories to LGBT people. It was written because seeing two girls kiss still feels like the viewer is watching  something they’re not supposed to be watching. And I guess there are still plenty of people out there who think it makes for great TV.

When LGBT people ask for representation, I think straight writers get scared. They think they have to write some weepy, heavy, tragedy-ridden story, but I’m here to tell you, that’s not what we want. We want a lesbian couple who meet at a cute coffee shop and start dating. We want to see them argue over mundane things like Scrabble and who cleaned the bathroom last. We want to see their birthday and anniversary celebrations. We want to see them get mad at each other and then work it out. We want to see them nervous to meet the family. Not because they’re gay, but because they’re Yankees fans and their girlfriend’s parents are Red Sox fans. We want to see them treated as humans.

That’s it.

Being LGBT is not a dirty little secret, so please stop treating us that way. We are real and have every right in the world to see ourselves in mainstream media.

I Finally Join the Cultural Mainstream

I think I’ve mentioned my love for Veronica Mars on this blog before, but if not, it bears repeating. Also, I might alienate people with this, but know that this blog is aggressively pro-Logan Echolls. I don’t wanna HEAR it with your Piz or Duncan nonsense. Logan Echolls ’til this blog dies.

The quote today is from an episode from the second season where my boy Logan is very drunk and talking to Veronica and he’s like, “I thought our love story epic, you know, you and me.” And then Veronica’s like, “Epic how?” And then Logan says the quote on the letterboard and Veronica’s like, “You really think a relationship should be that hard?” And then my boy’s like, “No one writes songs about the ones that come easy.” And I’m like, DAMN SON GET YOUR GIRL. (Not his girl in some weird misogynistic way, but just like destiny, y’know?) (Also, maybe I should just recount my favorite fictional moments???) (JK, I know that’s not good content, but I’m not gonna delete my recounting of Veronica and Logan.)

Anyway, now that I’ve outed myself as a hopeless romantic for a fictional heterosexual TV couple, let’s move forward.

I feel like I should tell you all this life update; I have officially started watching Friends for the first time in my life. How I made it twenty-four years without seeing a full episode is a mystery to me.

I’m five episodes in and I think I’m moderately enjoying myself??? I really don’t like Ross and I don’t think I’m going to like him as the seasons go on. I feel like I’ll like him less and less.

HOWEVER, I do relate to him marrying a lesbian and being hopelessly in love with Rachel Green because I am in love with Rachel Green. Jennifer Anniston is a total ’90s babe and maybe my dream girl??? All of her denim and tied crop tops and flannel are just too much. Ross does NOT deserve her. (Sorry, Mom, I know you irrationally hate her.)

Is that an unpopular opinion? Don’t people like them together? Also, I thought Chandler and Monica were a couple from the beginning like Lily and Marshall from How I Met Your Mother. I like Monica and I think I like Joey and I guess Chandler. I don’t know. I think the only characters I have dramatic opinions about are Rachel  and Ross. Only one of those opinions is positive.

I just checked and there are TEN SEASONS APPARENTLY??? Do I love Rachel Green this much??? Stay tuned and we’ll find out.

True Life: I Watch too Many Movies

Today’s quote is from La La Land. It’s the song Emma Stone sings toward the end of the movie and it was snubbed for a Best Song Oscar nominee in my humble, very important opinion.

My MoviePass officially came in the mail two days ago and I used it that night to go see Professor Marston and the Wonder Women. It’s about the history of the dude who created Wonder Woman. And, like it was cool because the movie was super pro-bisexuality which is a thing we desperately need in our pop culture. But it was also super historically inaccurate. I know I just justified taking some creative liberties the other day, but the lady who wrote and directed this was very adamant in wanting to tell HER version of Olive, William, and Elizabeth. Which is FINE, I guess, but also, it’s not fine if you’re billing the movie as the incredible true story of Wonder Woman.

And that’s not to say the story of Wonder Woman isn’t wild, because it is, but it was already wild without the creative liberties. If you want to learn about the actual, real, wild history of Wonder Woman, read Jill Lepore’s The Secret History of Wonder Woman or Les Daniels’ Complete History of Wonder Woman.

The second movie I saw was the Kingsman sequel and I’m about to drop some spoilers, so click away if you haven’t seen it yet. Here we go.

Um, why the FORK did whoever made this movie make me watch Roxy and A PUG die within the first twenty minutes??? Like, WHO WANTED TO HURT ME SO SPECIFICALLY???

Anyway, the movie itself was basically a two and a half hour long fight scene. I will say, the one good thing 2017 has done was bring me a dramatic fight scene set to John Denver’s Take Me Home, Country Roads and that almost made Roxy and the pug’s deaths justified. (JUST KIDDING, there was no need to kill them and force me to watch Eggsy try to get Harry back to normal for two hours.)

Also, Channing Tatum was WILDLY underutilized. I was about to be mad that they did him so dirty and then they ended the movie with my boy walking into the Kingsman shop and I know that I’m gonna HAVE to see the next one. (JUST KIDDING AGAIN, no I’m not. #Justice4Roxy)

Okay, here’s why I’m actually VERY mad about Roxy’s death. Because there was NO POINT, NO JUSTIFICATION. She was the only one to die. Like, yeah, Brandon died but like who even was Brandon??? Why does Kingsman keep forgetting that Roxy is the one that actually was the REAL Kingsman recruit??? Even in the finale of the first movie, she got entirely left out of the action.

Halle Berry’s analyst character, Ginger, was very nervous about wanting to join the Statesman in the field. How dope would it have been for her character to have seen Roxy in the field? How cool  would it have been to have seen BOTH Roxy and Ginger storm Poppy Land? BUT ALAS, Roxy was unfairly written out and Ginger stayed behind the desk with a small promise of being an agent in the next movie. Judging by how they handled Roxy, I’m not holding my breath.

The first movie prided itself on bucking the stereotypes of the classic gentlemen spy genre, but it sure as shirt did NOT care about those stereotypes in the second one. Like what even WAS that “sex” scene. Who’s even calling it a sex scene? That was a sexual assault trying to be passed off as comedic relief which is SO GROSS.

Um, who the actual fork approved a tracking shot down a half-naked woman’s body that LITERALLY ENDS INSIDE OF HER VAGINA?? Read this post on Movie Plot about how gross this scene was because they are far more eloquent than I am.

Last thing I’ll say about this movie is that Julianne Moore as a faux-’50s housewife drug lord with an Americana Main Street headquarters in the middle of the Cambodian jungle is the best damn thing this movie did. (Also, just what exactly were they trying to say about the war on drugs???)

Okay, I’m finally stopping. (But only after I throw out my weekly love for Legends of Tomorrow and Sara Lance. Hi, Sara Lance, I love you and I can’t wait for you and that Time Bureau Agent lady to date. I’ll tell y’all again, Legends of Tomorrow is the best, most fun show you’re not watching.) (Also, Barry Allen dancing to to Bob Seger was so CHARMING.)

Playlist Sun-Thursday: Hello Darkness My Old Friend (The Misses of Glee)

As promised (for real this time), I’m gonna be talking about the misses of Glee. I’ve already talked about the true hits of the series over here, but it’s been brought to my attention that y’all would maybe wanna hear about my least favorite Glee songs. (Okay, so one person said they were interested, but I’m just gonna round up and say all y’all are interested. Doesn’t matter if you are because that’s what’s gonna happen.)

(I stopped this at fifteen because I realized I was about to be late to work, but know I could’ve kept going.)

Without further ado, I bring you Playlist Sun-Thursday:

Hello Darkness My Old Friend: The Misses of Glee

  1. Gangnam Style by the Season Four Cast – I know this was season four because it was only after Rachel, Mercedes, and Kurt left did they even consider giving Tina a solo. Listen, I have absolutely nothing against the actress who plays Tina and I mostly love when people name their characters Tina for 100% narcissistic reasons, HOWEVER, Tina Cohen-Chang is the worst. She’s actually a good singer, but they always gave her bizarre songs. I also am dying to know who made the song decisions on Glee and who decided they should make the only Asian girl on the show sing Gangnam Style. Maybe it wouldn’t seem so egregious if they’d given her ANY solo before this, but, y’all, it does not look great if that’s the only solo she got for basically the whole series. Plus, it’s also just a bad song???
  2. Blurred Lines by Mr. Schue – You’re probably going to catch onto a theme really quickly here about the people who will make up this list. Truly, there could just be an entire list of Mr. Schue’s worst. (No, I will NOT be writing that one. I need to draw the line somewhere.) I think the only good song he sang was Somewhere Over the Rainbow?? Back to Blurred Lines, though. How did this man keep his job as a teacher for as long as he did??? HE’S SINGING A SONG ABOUT GLORIFYING RAPE TO A GROUP OF TEENAGERS AND THAT’S OKAY SOMEHOW??? Mr. Schue, gtfo. (Although, bless the editor who put Marley’s charmingly awkward dancing as the visual to the line “You’re an animal/Baby it’s in your nature.” You are my HERO.)
  3. Werewolves of London by Artie and SamWhy were they training a dog??? What was the point of this??? Did they just genuinely run out of plot at this point in the series??? Ryan Murphy, what is going ON??? (Or, I guess, Chris Colfer, since you wrote this episode, WHAT WAS GOING ON???)
  4. It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s World by Quinn Fabray – Um, so I know I’ve championed myself as the president of the Quinn Fabray Fan Club and I still stand by that until the end of time, BUT even I couldn’t see this song through rose-colored glasses. If it had just been her singing into a microphone, it wouldn’t have made it onto this list. I probably would’ve forgotten it existed because it would’ve just been fine. It wouldn’t have scarred me like it actually did. Nobody needs an interpretive dance to this song done by pregnant high school girls. NOBODY NEEDED THIS. IT WAS WEIRD.
  5. The Final Countdown by Mr. Schue and Sue Sylvester – I don’t get embarrassed often. HOWEVER, I get secondhand embarrassment so easily. I got it within three seconds of watching this. I can’t believe this exists in the world and millions of people have seen it. HOW DO THEY LIVE WITH THEMSELVES???
  6. What Does the Fox Say by Season Four Cast – This is a prime example of how we should all say a silent thank you to the universe for not letting Glee and Hamilton exist at the same time. I feel like they just hit this point where they were like, we don’t care if the song is good, we’re just gonna make ourselves so culturally relevant that people will have to love it. Spoiler alert, even Marley Rose can’t make me love this song.
  7. Thong Song by Mr. Schue – Just…no. It was only a minute, but it was TOO LONG.
  8. Do They Know It’s Christmas by SOME Season – Listen, this song is awful. A bunch of privileged people singing about their privilege is not a good look for a song. I get the intentions, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions so intentions won’t save you. However, Glee cranked it up a notch by having the kids sing this song AT A HOMELESS SHELTER. I’m sure there was a way they could’ve done this song well and had it be as impactful as they’d hoped. HOWEVER, this was not the way to do it.
  9. My Funny Valentine by Tina Cohen-Chang – So, I remember watching this episode when the show was originally airing and not fully understanding why Tina’s mental breakdown occurred. I think I chalked it up to a joke that went over my head. I just re-watched it in preparation for writing this blog (yeah, sometimes I’m dedicated to the content I put out into the world) and I STILL don’t get it. If anyone has information pertaining to the actions of Tina Cohen-Chang in this song, please contact me here.
  10. Wrecking Ball by Marley Rose – In the name of being fair and impartial, I’m including my girl Marley on this list as well. I’m all for women scorned forking shit up (Gone Girl IS one of my fave movies), but I didn’t need this in my life. And the little scene right before she sings this was really good, but nobody ever needed to see Marley cry against a brick wall that she then crashes through on a literal wrecking ball while wearing a strange blue leotard. AND THE BRICK. Goodness gracious. AND THE DRAMATIC THROWING HERSELF AGAINST A WALL. What a wild time. Shoulda licked a sledgehammer tho.
  11. Tell Me Something Good by Mr. Schue and Sue Sylvester – I promise this is the last Will Schuester song I’ll put on this list. (JK, I can’t make that promise.) BUT GOOD GOD this was weird. I never needed this in my life. My life could’ve been great if I’d never seen this, but I have seen this and there will always be a dark cloud over my life because of it. I hope you’re happy, Ryan Murphy.
  12. Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch Me by New Directions – I KNOW. I literally just broke my promise, but this showed up as a recommended video after Tell Me Something Good and I had flashbacks of being traumatized from the part where Emma rips Mr. Schue’s shirt open. I’m not okay??? Boy, if I wasn’t gay before. The only good thing about this was Emma. Girl, ya looked great.
  13. Saving All My Love For You by Quinn Fabray and Joe Hart – Quinn Fabray was a lesbian. I’m sorry. I don’t make the rules.
  14. Mean by Noah Puckerman and Beiste – Listen, the dude who plays Noah is AWFUL. And this cover of an already not-that-great Taylor Swift song is pretty terrible too. Leave the Taylor Swift covers to Santana because her version of Mine is incredible.
  15. The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don’t Be Late) by Kurt, Santana, Rachel, and the Santa Stripper – Remember when Kurt invited that Santa stripper over for Christmas dinner for a booty call and then they ended up getting robbed by said Santa stripper??? Glee was WEIRD, y’all. Like, I get that there are only so many Christmas songs, so they gotta do weird ones eventually, but they could’ve reused some. I mean, they had NO problem doing Don’t Stop Believin’ about three hundred times, so maybe they could’ve done Jingle Bells a time or two more. Or The Partridge Family song My Christmas Card to you that is VASTLY underrated.

Honorable Mentions

  1. The Climb by Rachel Berry – This was supposed to be absolutely awful, and boy did Lea Michele DELIVER. I also found it wildly impressive that she could make herself sing so out of tune like that. And Brittany’s facial expressions get me every single time.
  2. Only Child  by Rachel Berry – I was reminded of the genius of this song while scrolling through the Wikipedia article. I don’t care what anyone says, “The only Berry on the Berry Family Tree” was an incredible lyric. Everyone in the show hated it, but this was the best thing I’ve ever heard.